Dear Eve, Yeah, doctor, I sort of got this soft spot, well and a hard spot too, but that's another letter, anyway for professional gals such as yourself. Don't take this wrong, but when I saw you bend over and cry with that creep Orville, begging that freakin' stale calzone for your dignity so's you could keep your life and family and all , well lookin at you's like that, all I could think was Bada Bing, I gotta help this lady. Next mornin' I wake up and I remember I had dis dream--you and me was talkin', you know, only you was a shrink ... ain't that a trip! Anyhow, you were helpin' me real good too, and I says to you, "Doc, how can I repay you for all the help you been givin' me?" Maybe I can give you some professional advice based on my expertise, ya know what I mean. Right away I hear this song playin', and I figure it's got some significance , you know like pertinent to your situation with that miscreant old timer. Then it comes to me loud and clear like some cosmic answer to what's been botherin ' you, and it starts out, "Woke up this mornin', got myself a gun, got myself a gun, got myself a gun." I'm sure you do get my meanin', being a college graduate and all, so let me know if you need any help.
Respectfully, Tony Soprano
Dear Tony, I'm not that kind of girl any more. I know who you are, and your popularity is huge. No doubt your gun is too. Thanks for your concern, Eve
Dear Mister Luis the policeman, Mango thinks you are a very good dancer, yes. Watching you move reminds Mango of well, watching another great and sexy dancer, himself. Mango would love to come to Harmony and have a tango lesson, but there is one problem. Everyone who sees Mango, he falls in love you see. So the question is, Mister Luis, can you behold the magnificence that is Mango and then return to your dreary life holding that cheap blonde but tortured by the sexy thoughts of Mango. If you can, you are even more sexy man than Mango dreamed about for three weeks after watching that locker room scene. You need a much bigger towel, Mister Luis. heehee
Love, Mango
Dear Mango, Hmm, Sounds interesting. Any way you could show me that cheek spanking move. I'd like to try it out on someone. Plus there are a couple of other guys on the show who I'm sure would be interested. We already own the silver boxer shorts.
Thanks, Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald
Dear Theresita, Hola sister, girlfriend. We have so much in common, we Lopez skanky mamas as my man Puffy, the rapper, likes to call me. I just know you want to get Ethan to be your man, so listen up. My man got so fired up watchin' me perform the day we met. We really had a blast. So now me and Puff daddy got a killer plan for you that'll get Ethan goin great guns. But first, you gotta get yourself some curves in the right places. You have some beautifully arresting features, but your figure is what's holding you up. It may sound criminal, but you can pick up killer curves at Fredericks of Harmony, doll yourself up, do the number shaking it rapid fire, and I'm sure you'll be quite the pistol. Using the enclosed routine will surely force him to see what he's left behind. Your friend, Jennifer Lopez
For Theresa from Puff daddy-to be performed wearing large padded panty under tight pants and sexy top.( no body hair showing please)-movements should consist mostly of standing facing away from your victim, shakin all over and lookin over your shoulder with special attention towards accentuating the meaning behind the lyric.
"Sit back and relax and ASS-imilate, The ASS-tonishing facts that I must relate.
It's ASS-tounding that you're with that nasty mutt...
I'm gonna make you ASS-pire to nip it in the BUTT"(now machine gun action)
"When I shake my MONEYMAKER, I got BUNS like a baker,
My DERRIERE is killer, it'll leave you smilin,
If I ASS-fixiate, I get granted ASS-ylum,
These BUTTOCKS are stout, they can WIPE you out!
I'm gonna cut loose with my big CABOOSE!
I can get any man with my red hot CAN
I'm gonna win you from Gwen with my REAR end,
You know my POOPER's really super like a fine wine,
You should be lovin' it up with this ASS o'mine
The way she leads you around is just ASS-inine
I'm gonna take you away and leave her BEHIND
Because this baby's got BACK, and it's super fine.
You know you're gonna CRACK up cause it's BOOTY time.
I gotta big BACKYARD and it's playtime
I'm gonna give you a ride on my BACKSIDE.
It's a BOOM BOOM with room and it's super wide
(Now swing it )
I'm showin' you my FANNY,
Come on and be my manny.
If you don't wanna jump me I'll be G.R. RUMPY
Like an ASS-teroid I'm streakin', to get you freakin.
My RUMP has got the bumps you can sink your teeth in.
I gotta great BUM
Like hot fresh BUNS
Grab a holda my TAIL and let's have some fun.
(Now big scRUMPtious finale right in his face)
I'm givin you a push when I shake my TUSH
My CHEEKS are so sweet, they're an all meat treat
I'm a real man pleaser when I shake my KEESTER
Let's ASS-ASS-inate Gwen so you can marry me Ethan!
Dear Jennifer and Puff daddy, You guys are so cool. Fate has brought us together. Do you think if shake my bottom back and forth like I dart my eyes back and forth to the music that would be really sexy too? Oh, I'm so excited. I gotta start waxing right away. Your friend, Theresa, the future Mrs. Ethan Crane!
My dear Mrs. Crane, You are one beautiful classy lady , Miss Ivy. Ivy, climbing and a clingin, takin' over everything in sight...what a song that would make. Actually I am writing this to offer you my services, as I know how you love to entertain. I live pretty close in a lovely community, ample parking day or night, people shouting howdy neighbor...the people are cool except for Kyle's mom who's a bitch. I believe we met at the film festival where you enjoyed my chocolate delights, the all natural," I Don't Give a Flyin' Fudge" cookies. I'm sure you could use the "Go Fudge Yourself" version for when life gets you down. By the way I loved your scene at the lodge. My deepest love, Chef
Dear Chef, Of course I remember you. I loved your chocolate salty balls, all big and chocolate and brown. You were so right when you said, "for a pick me up, stick 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em." By the way, that succubus incident was so like what I'm dealing with. Some women are just so unwanted. Anyway, I'd love to visit, but the last time I was there, the oddest thing happened, and I promised I wouldn't go back as a condition of my release after a terrible accident. You see, I was driving along, and thought I saw, of all things, a talking piece of what appeared to be poopie actually, and while I tried to swerve and miss it, I was distracted by a poor boy named Kenny who was mumbling some sort of warning, and well, unfortunately, I killed him. But do stop by if you're out this way. I'd love to suck on those chocolate salty balls again. Your special friend, Ivy Crane
Dear Mr. Reilly, Yeah, I been watching your show on account of all the hot chicks. But look buddy, after realizing how much time it takes for you to form a thought and get it out there, I mean come on. I could take out every cheerleader in Seattle, love 'em and leave 'em faster than you make something happen on that so called show about passion. I got more passion in my pinkie piggie than I seen on your show since July. And when I see how you're draggin' out this thing with Luis and mega babe Sheridan, all I can say is, " This stinks, this is total b.s." Bulldog
Dear Mr. Bulldog, I'm sorry, I can't remember you. Sometimes I forget what I said the day before. But thank you so much for being my other viewer. Sincerely yours, James Reilly
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