November Letters       

From Crustee the clown-Dear Simone, I'm sure you've seen me on The Simpsons television show.  I think you're really making a big statement on your show, and I need an     assistant for the Simpsons' big New Year's  party of the century, so right away I thought about you.  I mean you already dress like me, so low budget, you know how to dish out the abuse as well as take it.  You disrespect authority, and you work well with psychos, plus you've obviously got a thing for crusty guys.  How about it Cinnamon!  Be my spice girl!

Dear Crustee, Alright, I'll do it, but only if Chad can DJ. I like the way you dress too.  Love, Simone

From Mr. Ed-Dear Gwen,  You've got a lot of horse sense about that half-breed Theresa trying to harness your man Ethan.  Of course, you're a nag.  Who wouldn't be with this unstable filly!  When Ethan said, let's get hitched, you said neigh.  Now that's another hurdle you'll have to jump before you two can tie the reins.  My advice-first thing when you giddyup tomorrow morning, you trot on over to the Crane mansion , let him know you're feelin' your oats, and whinney's he gonna realize there's nothing like a purebred. You just saddle on up next to him and stay balanced on all fours, and you're sure to win the race. Talk to Mr. Ed!

Dear Ed,  I totally agree with you.  You're always on a steady course. I've talked to him till my voice is horse. But everyone keeps telling me to back off and take it with a grain of salt lick.  It's really got me raring!  Thanks for coming right to the source.  I agree with the answer that you endorse.  People yakkety yak the streets and talk and talk all day, but you never talk unless you have something to say! I feel so close to you...like a relative or something!  Love, Gwen

From Chewbacca-Dear Theresa, You are so beautiful, and we think so much alike, so sensitive.  I never thought I'd see someone of my own kind, exactly like me, and then there you were!  Don't change a hair on your head, or face, or chest, or back, or palms, or stomach, or.......Love, Chewbacca

Dear Chewie -Exactly how much income are you getting these days?  Love, Theresa

From David Hasselhoff, Bay Watch producer-Dear Producers of Passions,  You've got a great looking cast.  I know how much time it takes to run a quality show, so this might be tough, but I would like to invite you all to appear on Bay Watch for a special ratings booster  beach challenge to see if either of us can get a little more attention.   We will be playing beach blanket jeopardy up against  the Heald Acting School for cross-eyed dyslexics, the alma mater for some of your people. Not much really happens on our show, and the ratings have been really low, so I know you'll feel right at home.  We do a lot of the same things over and over and over and over, well you know how it is.  One thing though, we've seen Luis, and he looks great and all, but can you make sure that the others are properly groomed and appropriately attired.  Skank wardrobe is fine, but surveys show that viewers prefer a clean shaven chest and back for the scenes at the beach, so can you please advise Sam, Ethan, Miguel, Reese, Hank, Chad and Theresa to shave or wax first.  And have Kay bring that wonder bra. Your esteemed colleague, David

Dear David, Sounds great.  Some of the guys want to know...will you be joining in on the fun!

From Miss Swan-Dear Luis, Oooh, you looka good, how you doin' you hunka, hunka, yea you know, whatever.  I name my Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon after you.  Now you come, I giva you the works, baby, no charge.  Yeah, you know what, I gonna help you too.  I see that mugger, and you know what he looka like?? I tell you what he looka like.  He looka like a man.  Now you come see Miss Swan!

Dear Miss Swan, Thanks, but I don't do nail salons.  You're actually a lot more helpful than some people in this town.  By the way, I do know someone here who needs a complete makeover.  Do you do high colonics too?  Yours truly, Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald, Harmony P,D.

From Fergie, Dutchess of Pork-Dear sheridan, Tallyho old gal, and top of the morning.  Just wanted to let you know that I will be touring the states for Weight Watchers and would love to meet for a spot of tea and check out some of those harmony wankers.  Your drama is divine, darling, but why are you such a bloody pain in the royal rumpkin with that good looking bloak, Luis?  And what's this I heard you say about the chap, that he sucks?  Are you bloody serious, maitee, because my toes are aching for some lip service.  I'd love to make him a loyal subject. Toodleoo and cherrio,  Love, Sarah

Dear Fergie,  Don't get me started!  That man is unbelievable, and the only foot I've ever seen in his mouth is his own.  You may be in luck though, dear.  I saw him eating a huge bag of pork skins, so I think you're his type.   See you soon. Love, Sheridan. 

Hee-Hee!

          

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