From Bobby Brown-Dear Timmy, Hey there, bossman! I like your style! Two ideas here-number one-Let's get together and groove! My career has been dwarfed by my famous wife, Whitney, and I don't mind telling you it could use a lift. Your great rhythm, rappin', and popularity and your smooth fingers on the keyboard really got my attention. At one time my music was pretty hot, but now my hot love life gets most of the headlines. I think if we team up your giant talent with my one time popularity, and my wife's bank account, we can change the headlines from has-been to Boss Men! You and me, bro, and speaking of hot, that brings me to number B-namely that hot chick Whitney. As you probably know, I have a slight problem with partying, etc, and I love the ladies, so having a chick already named Whitney could really solve the problem of having to remember two names in my personal life! You could hire her as your personal trainer and bring her along at my expense, well rather my wife's expense. I'm sure she could make a great mom too for my collection of little Bobbies. I think I'm up to an even dozen now! I can see it now--you and me, the bossmen... and Whitney from Harmony making sweet harmony together! Oh yeah! I enclosing some of my music cd's you can pass around and use as coasters and stuff if you want. Love your show man, your fan, the man, Bobby Brown.
Dear Bobby, Timmy didn't know you but Tabby does, and she says Timmy's career is moving in a totally different direction than yours, Mr. Bobby. But thanks for the coasters. Timmy needs lots of coasters to rest Timmy's martimmies wherever Timmy is working or playing. Good luck with your Whitneys and Bobbies. Tabby says you'll need more than luck for your music career, and Tabby used up all her magic powers on stuff that had a good chance of success. Tabby doesn't work on lost causes, but she says to tell you her advice to you is to save your money and keep your health insurance up to date. Your friend, Timmy
From Mary Kay LaTourneau-Dear Miguel, You remind me so much of a former student of mine with whom I was deeply involved for several years. I know how it feels wanting to be with your sweet , innocent young love. Why don't you come visit me next break. My experience as a teacher involves a special kind of concern and comfort which I'd like to share with you. There is a position in the movie I am making about my life which I think would be perfect for you, and we could get started practicing some of the scenes. If you can't make, it could you give this letter to Timmy? Thanks. Fondally, Mary Kay
Dear Mrs. LaTourneau- I get lots of offers like yours, but that's really not of interest to me for one big reason. Obviously there are some things in life that you still need to figure out . I've seen your boyfriend, and I'm sending you each an autographed picture. Good luck, Miguel
From George Michael- Dear Officer Louise, I love your show and you look great in your uniform, and out of it too! The Locker room scene is my favorite. I've met a lot of cops, and you are definitely one of Harmony's finest. At first I thought you might actually have the hots for that Sheridan Crane, but when I heard you say you were going down to the basement for some more caulk, I knew exactly what you meant. I am coming with my band that way, so maybe I could meat you. We'll all be performing, and of course you know the highlight will be I need your sex! I hope you will be able to come out. Your biggest fan, (and I'm willing to prove it) George
Dear George- Thanks for the compliments. I 'm actually a big fan of yours too. I' love to meat you and wham! How fast can you come? My brother, Miguel is also interested in coming. Harmony is a beautiful town with a great park where you can come anytime and please yourself. Yours truly, Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald
From Michael Jackson-Dear Timmy, Hey there little guy. I'm your biggest fan. To me you are definitely the star of that show and my greatest desire for watching. We have a lot in common, you know. I started out as a child star, and that is still my biggest interest. Maybe you could meat me at my Neverland ranch on your break, and when you come, we'll get to be best butties. We can play, and dance and make videos of everything we do. It's very private and made just for little guys like you to come and play with me. I've got some ideas for videos and even one with you on your piano. We could wear look alike costumes, and dance and play with our instruments. Don't tell anybody, just let me know when you want to come. You'll have a ball doing stuff you never do in Harmony. I just can't get enough of you, dollface. I watch you every day and wonder whether you'd enjoy coming here. Timmy's the boss! Fondally, Michael
Dear Michael-Timmy wants to come and visit Neverland but Tabby say Timmy has to keep his rear in Harmony. She says there are plenty of guys like you here if I want that kind of fun. Whatever... Timmy thought Timmy was the boss too but Timmy was wong. Sowwy. Tabby says to tell you you'll just have to keep playing with yourself. Your friend, Timmy.
From Rick James-Dear Whitney, I love watching you, and I've seen your game...you're quite arresting! You really look like you know how to play. My wife and I love to play too, and if you're not tied up, I'd like to invite you to join us. Maybe Theresa can come too! About Theresa, Whitney, you've probably heard this before, but she's a very kinky girl, the kind you don't take home to mother. I'm sure she'd never let your spirits down, once you get her off the street.
Yeow! She'll like the boys in the band. I'm sure I'll be her all time favorite. When I make my move to her room, I'm sure it will be the right time. She won't be hard to please. Oh no! She's a super freak! I'd really like to taste her every time we meet. She's a super freak, super freak, she's super freaky! She's a very special girl, from her head down to her toenails. The girl's a super freak! That girl is pretty wild though, (she's a super freak) , the kinda girl you read about in new wave magazines. That girl is pretty kinky; she's a super freak, but she's all right, yeah she's alright. She's alright with me, yeeea-yah, hey! hey !hey !hey ! (wish I could do mp3's here guys, but I'm not allowed, so use your imagination, and work with me here. when you look at the daisies, you hear the song, it's subliminal) Your loving fan, Rick P.S. Are either or you Theresa allergic to any adhesives or drugs? Bring rope if you have any.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. James, Whitney is so busy with her training right now that I am answering her mail. I am her best friend, as you know, and also a professional letter answerer as well as a SUPER FREAK-YEAH BABY-we're on our way! I'll bring the costumes! Love, Theresa
From Marv Albert--Dear Kay, You are my passion for watching the show. I think you are a great actress, and I really enjoy your back biting. I think it's so important to include that sort of thing in a good scenario. Where did you get those great hair extensions? I have a friend who needs to find a good place for purchasing that sort of thing. I may be out that way soon, and would love to meet you. By the way, if you're not using that lingerie any more, can I have it? Don't wash it. Your admirer, Marv.
Dear Marv, Thanks for the compliments, but I think I may still get a chance to use that lingerie. I heard you were a back biter too, and I'm sorry about all the flack you take about your hair. You seem like a nice guy. Have you thought about just shaving your head. I think that is really sexy, and then when you wear the lingerie, you can get some wigs to go with the outfits, and it will be so much easier to get them on and change styles and stuff. Accessorizing can make all the difference in femininity. Good Luck, Kay.
From Mike Tyson-Dear Timmy, I tried to call you, but that woman , Tabby, said you couldn't have any calls from girls yet. Tell her I said she can bite me. Anyhow, I love your show, and I thought you were killer at the hospital. Always remember, the bite is worse than the bark. That's a famous sayin", and I live by it since I have to take a lot of ridicule about my bark. If you talk funny, it makes people think you're intelligent if you use big words, so you should try that too. Anyway, you really showed 'em how you got away, runnin' like a butterfly, and stingin' like a bee! And I seen you take a couple of falls too man, not that it's that far for you, but I think you'd be big in my kind of work. So enough with the small talk. I have my own league now, the snapping oompa loompa's, and I'm inviting you to join. I'm starting off small... don't wanna bite off more than I can chew. I tried to get Gary Coleman, but he's disqualified for his recent assault charge. He says he can't help his bad temper, and I know how it feels to want a tooth for a tooth, so he'll be there with the trainers just to motivate you and pump you up, kinda get you goin' mentally. A few minutes with him and you'll wanta bite somebody's head off. So you'll be goin' up against a real back biter--minime! He's got a lot of experience, but Gary will help you sink your teeth into a great training program. Marv Albert, Mr. Chompers himself will officiate with his incisive commentary. Can't wait to hear from you. Can you send me an autographed picture of that toothsome grin. We'll use them along with some biting remarks from the two of you to publicize the big event. Yours twuly, Mike
Dear Mr. Tyson, Just who do you think you are. You've got a lot of nerve writing my Timmy. Have you had a recent head injury? He's a doll, not a punching bag. Don't write again, and don't mess with me mister, cause I can really bark and bite like you wouldn't believe Maybe you didn't notice, but I also kick ass, so back off sissy mouth. Tabby.
Note: Two days after I published this, Timmy had his fighters scene where he said he would float like a butterfly and sting like a bee--wow--evil is out there!
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WARNING KIDS, TABBY SAYS DON'T READ THIS UNLESS YOU WANT TO READ STUFF FROM THE SICKEST OF SICKOS. I'VE GOTTEN A LETTER FROM SOMEONE WHO IS ACTUALLY WORSE THAN ME WHO LIVES WHERE THE POLICE DEPARTMENT IS EVEN SLOWER THAN THE ONE IN HARMONY . SHE DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE A REPLY. IN FACT, I MAY MAKE HER MY NEXT ELIMINATION PROJECT.
From Patsy Ramsey, Dear Tabitha, You certainly have had your share of challenges. I've been watching your show, and I can't help wondering whether that little brat Charity is about to wake up and cause some more problems. Sometimes, it's a good idea to get the heck outta town before you get caught and the word murder is mentioned. I seem to recall a certain pillow scene that she could remember and tattle on. That little blonde brat has been nothing but trouble. You must have wanted to just strangle her in that bed. I know exactly how you feel! Maybe if you can figure out another plan and get rid of her, you can distract the Harmony police with a ransom note or fake kidnapping or something to choke their investigation. But if at some point, you do find that you need to tie things up there in Harmony, I have a beautiful home for sale that you could move right into. The basement is huge with lots of hiding places and just the right vibe for your basement buddies. In fact they may already be there. I noticed you haven't seen them lately. Let me know if you need any help at all, as I am sort of the Martha Stewart of getting rid of little blond brats.
