Avid fan Ana from aol writes:
Dear Charity/Molly,
Hi, how are you? I am 16 and looking for an acting school to attend that
teaches you absolutely nothing but yet you can still wind up on a great
show. So what college did you go to?
Love Always,
Ana
Ana,
You mean they have school that teaches you how to act? Wow! Hey listen
when you do go to college write me a letter and I'll go with you. I could
hang out with all your friends. We could go to classes together. We could
hang out after classes. we could be roommates. I could go to school like a
normal actress. That would be so neat.Charity/Molly
Passions viewers come from every walk of life--Judy writes (looks official)
Dear Officer Luis Lopez- Fitzgerald:
The next time you get a smarty pants, Miss Priss like that Sheridan Crane on your docket, let me know will you. We do peruse case files looking for just that kind of blatant irreverence for the law, but unfortunately we missed this doosey. That little lady needs a plastic surgeon to get her nose lowered. Women like that can't even put the truth in their diaries! Believe me cutie, just because they're in " Who's Who" doesn't mean they know what's what. She probably wakes up in the morning with nothing to do and goes to bed with it half done. She had a lot of nerve trying to get out of that ticket, and I doubt it'll be her last one judging by her record. So let me know, will you? I eat cases like that for breakfast and go back for more. And I also wanted to let you know that my bailiff will be retiring soon, and I can see you've got just what I'm looking for in a sidekick. You'd be sort of the Ed McMahon of the court room--think about it. Just announcing your name each day to the viewers would give me a lot more time to come up with the little one liners that make me so popular. We'd spend some quality time in chambers every day too, if you know what I mean supercop! P.S. I see you're part Irish--you don't drink do you?
Yours truly, Judy
Dear Your Honor: Thanks for your interest. I can see why you would want to make an example out of someone like Ms. Crane, but believe me those Cranes have a way of worming out of anything they get themselves into. That's one of the reasons I have to stay here in Harmony. Someone has to show those people they don't own this town. I think part of why your show is so successful is your ability to see through people and call it like it is. Ms. Crane is the Supreme Miss Priss and well, I guess you were right about me too. I showed your letter to my boss, Chief Bennett, and he agrees that I am most definitely a supercop and a cutie too, so looks like you both nailed me--guilty as charged! The other reason I can't accept your offer Judge, is that I have to take care of my family here. As far as the drinking goes, I've got a sister who could drive most men to drink, but I'm not your average guy by any means. Keep up the good work, and thanks for the offer. TRUTH, JUSTICE AND ANYTHING BUT THE CRANE WAY!!-- Officer Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald.
Mr. Simpson writes--Dear Mr. Lomax, I 've been searching like a madman for someone just like you, the world's best detective. I heard about your reputation, and I always said if I could get the right guy I would hire the very best to find out who murdered my x-wife, Nicole...I'm sure you heard about my case...you remember, the black football hero who was framed by the crooked white cop with all that dna crap, and that bigot chauffeur pansy with the big mouth. Anyhow, whatdayasay bud. I can't pay you a whole lot, but I have a guest room you can stay in so expenses should be low. It shouldn't be too hard for a guy like you to solve. By the way, I heard your buddy Ethan's aunt Sheridan is kinda fed up with that town. I could really use some company like her, and I know she's had some bad luck with men before. it seems like all she ever meets are lying , cheating, backstabbers! Maybe I can help her with those bloody hands nightmares she's been having too. That crash she had in the tunnel where the car chase took place could be part of her problem too. Frank, I hope I can call you that, a guy like you probably can't understand just how much I can relate to a woman like Sheridan, but it's true -100 percent!! Will wait to hear from you--I'm very good at waiting. Yours truly , O.J.
Dear Mr. Simpson, I hope you get this letter. I finally found your address through a guy here named T.C. who had it with some other stuff in his shed---guess he's a good friend of yours too besides being a big football buff and fan cause he says he was holding some valuables for you locked up in the shed in a big duffle bag. It must be some killer stuff I guess , cause he sure wanted to keep it safe and told me not to mention it to anybody else. When I mentioned your letter and how I lost it, that's when he confided that he knew you. He was willing to help me since he owed me one after I kept his daughter out of a scandal here with her crazy friend. This is so embarrassing, but I lost your original letter and forgot to read it into my personal recorder. My tape was full with some other real important stuff that I was afraid I would forget if I didn't say it over and over and over for 60 minutes. Could you write back please and remind me what it was you said.? Thanks bro--Your fan, Frank Lomax
This letter is from a Miss Amy Fisher (On probation dept. letterhead)
Dear Kay, Hi! Sorry about the stupid stationary, but I'm so broke now, and I'm here waiting to see my caseworker anyhow, so thought I'd drop you a line. I think you're really cool! It sucks that you love Miguel so much and that little Miss Innocent Charity Whatshername is just so in your way. So what if he loves her and she loves him...big freekin' deal . I know how it is to love a man and have him turn his back on you, even though now I'm really more into chicks. I really like you and want to help, and I have experience in this sort of thing, so here's my advice: You have to have a plan, Kay. You have to get Miguel's attention.. for real. As for that creep Charity, I would be all in her face, and believe me when I was through with her she would be one messed up case. Just do what it takes, and go with the flow. If you get caught, make sure you're ready to talk your way out. It's amazing what some people will forgive, so you go girl! If it hits the newspapers, your guy's last name is a real tongue twister for those reporters, but hey, it could be way worse-you wouldn't believe how they murdered the name Buttafucco ! I had to hear headlines like," Amy gets Buttafucco," "Amy Wanted Buttafucco", " Amy's Obsession with Buttafucco" ...I could go on and on, but you get the point. Let me know if you need anything--I have lots of connections now. ! Your soul sister, Amy.
Dear Amy, Thanks for being on my side, Nobody seems to understand that Miguel and I have been friends forever, and he should be mine, no doubt! I don't know what he sees in that little twit , Charity, when he could have a real woman like me. I appreciate your advice since I know what you went through was so like this. I have a question that might sound kinda weird but here goes. Let's say I do it, and, with my luck, I get caught. Can you get free breast implants if you go in the prison hospital?? Thanks again--Kay
This comes ( on some tacky stationary ) from Nashville from someone called Shania
Dear Charity, I watch your show all the time, and I can't help noticing how you dress honey. Some of those old things look like they got throwed on you with a pitchfork! You're such a cute girl, but your clothes are a little on the dowdy side. I know you want to keep that boyfriend of yours' attention, and I think I can help. Would you mind if I came to Harmony and gave you a makeover? It would be so much fun, and I could dress you just like me! Are you allergic to anything...plastics?...fake leather?...animal skins?...feathers?...paint?....duct tape? Do you mind having something really tight or restricting around any of your body parts?...what about all over tight and restricting and non-porous? Would you feel okay with a couple of layers of makeup on that sweet face, cause I think that make be a big difference! Does your hair fall out easily when teased or chemically treated? I'm just so tickled at the prospects. It probably wouldn't be hard to teach you how to sing like me either if you want. I saw how fast you picked up dancing, but I can give you some pointers there too. Till then, I am forever and all over---Shania!
Dear Shania, Actually, I've never heard of you, but my Aunt Grace has. She heard you once when she was setting up some booths for the carnival in Harmony and the carnies were playing your music and looking at some pictures of you. She says to let you know that it is very sweet for you to offer your time and everything, but that you look like a streetwalker with good prices and that you need a good bath. She didn't use those exact words, but that's the point she made. She also said that my mother would never want me to look like what she called you, Miss Shania, but thanks anyway. Then she said if I want to sing like you that the blind priest has a deaf choir leader who can help me do that too. But hey, maybe my cousin Kay would like to meet you. Sorry! Yours truly, Charity Standish
This comes for Mr. well, just Richard Simmons:
Dear Miguel, Hi there you! Mr. Harmony Hunk!! That contest just took my breath away-- One of my friends there in Harmony, Sam Bennett, sent me the tape. We were in a cpr class together years ago , got close and have had regular intercourse* since. When I saw that tape. I was so impressed. I had to tell myself, Richard, now you just settle down, BREATHE IN , BREATHE OUT!! Talk about Sweatin'! Gee-willies I'm reliving it just thinking about it... I was so up! You know little ole' me! What a challenge that must have been for you, Miguel! Now what I would like to ask you is this: I'm coming out ........that way and thought we could do something together. I have a video --very special --in mind. Of course, if we could get the other guys from the contest to come too, that would be great, but I'm sure if not, just you and I could do it without them. We could work some of that dancin' and raslin' in too--What do you think about this for a title: "Rompin' and Raslin' in Harmony"? We could have Boys 2 Men doing some great harmony for the theme music. Let me know if you can come do it with me. Of course you'd be paid, but I'm afraid my budget is rock bottom right now Your buttie, Richard ( Dick for you)
Dear Dick, Gosh I didn't know the Harmony Hunk contest was even recorded. I wonder if there are any other copies floating around out there. I don't have a lot of time, but if I can be of any ass istance to you and also get paid, that would be great. Keep in touch, Miguel.
*When I first read that letter I was shocked until my child reminded me that she had looked up the word intercourse in a dictionary as soon as she could read and it meant--an exchange in conversation between two people Whew! Grace would have been sweatin'!
Letters from...Michael Jackson, Lorena Bobbitt and more!
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