AUGUST LEAVES- beginning commentary
just the crap without all the cover up
THE WRITING AND LACK OF WRITING: About the flashbacks, repetitive dialog and general redundancy-some of that stuff was really good the first 500 times we heard it but really...does Reilly write everything or have help. Those poor actors must cringe everyday-"Hey, I think I got yesterday's script here" "Nope!" "Oh yea' Hank says something different here." I can only surmise that maybe Reilly is actually senile and really can't remember he wrote that already. Or the writers are stoners who think their whole audience is stoned and they can't remember what they wrote, or they just think WE won't, so they just go, "Hey, let's just put that really cool computer scene with the green face on again, huh huh, then we can just give the characters the standards to say, and we're off to smoke a fatty-maybe we can dream up another really stupid way to keep the twins apart. That'll blow them away." Or both...the stoners write it, then give it to Reilly, knowing he is too old and senile to see it isn't any different. Was the whole show just written as a trial thing, with only a couple of stories , then forced to be stretched? Is it meant to be some kind of tax write off, and they're trying to get it cancelled like the Mel Brooks movie , THE PRODUCERS, where they deliberately tried to produce a flop but everyone loved it? Complaints to NBC don't seem to have helped. Please everybody, let's write and tell them we will actually watch more if they let things happen. Surely they've been offered tons of story ideas. Are they just too self indulgent and absorbed to accept help? Their Neilsen's suck so far, and we want to see what happens, so let's bombard them with real mail asking producers to stop the crap.
THERESA LOPEZ-FITZGERALD: OK- first thing on the show that stunk-5 mishaps where something gets dumped. And whoever heard of throwing a big pot on water on someone in a restaurant to clean a milk stain off? And whoever heard of a pan on a stove actually containing water that wouldn't scald the dickens out of someone? You could see it coming and you just wanted to cry out to the writers, please this is not a cartoon is it!!!
Yes, she is beautiful. but her hairline is distracting. She should get hairline electrolysis on the first hiatus or wear bangs. Maybe they can work in a werewolf storyline if Tabitha's punishment is to become good when the twins meet. That would keep a supernatural element to the show, and improve her stalking skills. And how is that Clark Kent disguise supposed to fool the area's best private eye and the fancy educated lawyer Ethan and her mother. Couldn't they afford to get another color hair or something. I can't wait for the day she and Ethan finally make it to the alter, and he pulls off her veil and says, "Oh my God, no!!! It's you. You're the one who was stalking me!!", and runs off out the side door of the church. ( Of course it would have to be at the same church with the blind priest, and the little girl statue could come alive and warn Grace first as she's seated near the statue.)
TABITHA LENOX: Do they have to make poor Juliet Mills dress like that. What kind of crap will she wear next? And that hair looks like an old thrashed Barbie doll. I have a young boyfriend, and I believe he likes me to look good. So isn't she married to that hunk Max Caulfield? I guess he could be gay, but if he isn't she shouldn't be made to look like Tammy Wynette looked twenty years ago. And how can she jog with those heavy brass voo-doo doll earrings on and hold her heavy fake boobs at the same time-how ridiculous! ( I know what I'm talking about here as I paid big money for mine)
TIMMY, THE BOSS: I couldn't bear watching him at first, especially the third person ration of crap he dishes out daily, but now I think it's funny. Just goes to show you what entertainment deprivation can do to you. The outfits are hilarious. I did think it was funny, however, when Sam and that chick in the park were thrashing him. The bike accidents were good too. But since the whole idea for this character is crap and his third person dialogue is a stream of crap, he's on this page. More crap about him will be added I'm sure.
SHERIDAN CRANE: The Princess Di thing-need I say more. This could be the biggest pile of crap they handed us. I was offended by the fact that they thought this was entertaining--were we supposed to be impressed about the realism of the lives of people from Harmony or what? Don't let this big pile of crap keep you from reading my plot which actually makes tasteful and relevant reading out of their blunder. That made her the worst character on the show in the beginning spewing that crap, but thankfully she is now one of the most anticipated. What if she were to have stepped in some crap or something when she was waltzing down the cement sidewalks of Paris, dragging that long pink train-- Paris, where everyone takes his dog even to the cafes. If you've ever been to Paris, you know that you have to purposely look down at all times, as there is dog crap everywhere. Were there no cabs-remember the paparazzi were after her, and she's dragging her gown down the street. And was she only famous there? Where are the photogs now? We're sick of the crap where the kid Sheridan with the big ears ( did she grow into them) won't say what she did. And what about when Luis grabbed her at the pinata party, and she just let him grope her -pretty strong crap for a high class lady to take. And what's all this whining crap about 100 hrs work..Isn't that about 2 1/2 weeks at 40 hrs a week? Gee, that must be tough when you're not used to earning a living. Cut the crap, missy, and think about it. I'm leaving out a lot of small piles of crap here but she does a lot of things that just don't happen on this planet. Be sure to read my stories about the Sheridan Luis transitons!
IVY CRANE: Gorgeous and a great actress, but how are we supposed to believe the crap that she is old enough to be Ethan's mom? Did Julian meet her while traveling in one of those states where you can marry at 14? Was she Miss Crawdad somewhere where Crane Industries hired cheap non- union labor, and Julian was a contest judge? He could have asked her daddy if she could attend high school and stay at the Crane mansion under his guardianship, sort of like Elvis did with Priscilla when he met her in Germany? Maybe that's why was Sam looking for her at the Crane mansion in the flashback. I thought it was Julian's home first. Let's clear this crap up. That Billy Joel song belongs in the category of stuff that was good at first but when finally digested becomes the kind of crap you just want to get as far away from as possible. And what crap happened on her wedding night? What's this agreement crap she keeps teasing us with? We should see her in some deep crap when Ethan's real father Sam is revealed.
JULIAN CRANE: Looks crappy/acting is crappy.
ETHAN CRANE: Somebody, probably his mom and so- called cousin, gave him so much crap about how great he was, he started believing it. He's so spoiled, he actually thinks he's worth stalking and thinks any other explanation for his bad karma is crap. He's an educated man who never saw the original Superman series. They must not show it in boarding school , but didn't he read comics? And why doesn't he get his own place if he and Gwen are going to be doing all that bedroom crap?
PILAR L/F: That hyphenated name is really crap!! Where is the Irishman anyway, and how come all his kids look Hispanic? Was his mom Hispanic too? And when he does show up, will he bring in even more family members whom they couldn't mention when the story started? If Pilar has lived in Harmony long enough for her kids to grow up there and works for a white family for 20 years, why does she have such an accent when she say Thththterrrrraza or the other kids? And why does she act so nonchalant when she walks in on Ethan and Gwen in bed all the time when she would never take that crap from her own kids at her house? Can you see her with Miguel and Charity or Kaye or Whitney? HAHAHA. Funny crap!
LUIS L/F-If he falls in love with Sam, we can accept that crap. They look great, but they look like they belong together. Why couldn't he just ask Miguel where Charity lived if he knew Miguel had driven her? And why couldn't he just send a bulletin out or cruiser out to find the motorcycle? Why would leave his car at the youth center and walk home? Aren't those kids the types who might take something, and what about the criminals working there for community service?. You'd probably take your car home. And his idea for Hank to teach pool there was real crap. Hank couldn't reach across the table. He's too short! Also wouldn't the little underprivileged kids then hang out in their seedy neighborhood pool halls sharking? And how much energy do you burn off with that game? Aren't they supposed to be working off their childhood energy aerobically? The only time I've ever seen anyone teach pool, it was standing really close behind the pupil right up against them in a way I wouldn't want my child held, especially by some criminal instructor helping Hank with the young ladies. And why can't he just ask Sheridan why she doesn't call her friend the mayor again for help in changing her place of service thereby letting her know he thinks she spoke to him. What crap! Anybody would have thrown that in her face from the time they stood outside the courtroom till now.
MIGUEL M/F: His being with any of the women romantically is crap! How far do I have to stretch my imagination, please. Groucho Marx eyebrows that follow the dancing ball when he talks-crap. If his acting weren't decent I could never swallow this crap. Just making me believe he's heterosexual for an hour every day is quite a feat.( I"m not saying I don't like gays, I really do) But if Timmy can talk, I guess Miguel can have a girlfriend. You don't see Richard Simmons being cast as a woman chaser though, do you? Just because he's good looking doesn't mean he looks like a heterosexual romantic character. And how much crap can he take from Charity's mom. Just tell her ,"Hey Charity your mom is nuts. Then he yells through the door." Now I've played this game long enough. Either I come in, or the girl leaves with me. What'll it be Sybil?"
WHITNEY RUSSELL: With those arms, she couldn't hold a tennis racquet for longer than twenty minutes but we're supposed to believe she's training for the Olympics? What crap! She's supposed to be an athletic role model, but anorexia and skank clothes on a Dr.'s daughter is ridiculous crap. No wonder Grace and Sam can stroll from the shop to across town and back in the time it takes for she and Theresa to eat lunch. They don't show the part where Whitney is in the bathroom throwing up all the crap she ate while Theresa waits. And what about that warning Whitney gave Theresa about eating the one little ice cream sundae and how if she did she would never get a man? That's the kind of crap that fills their young target audience's minds with crap.
SIMONE RUSSELL: How are we supposed to believe anyone is going to take that slapping crap? And why don't they have her hooked up with anyone, since she's one of the cutest, most normal people in Harmony-that's pretty crappy. Wouldn't it be really crappy if the secret in her dad's shed was a sex torture chamber for him and Simone, and Whitney gets the princess treatment? If the show is called Passions, it could include some sick passions too.
T.C. RUSSELL: So far he's just crap--no story, no personality but could have some good crap he's hiding so far.
EVE RUSSELL: Kinda crappy that when you go to the free clinic the doctor is a female minority. My HMO never hires whites either since they have to be paid more. Poor Eve probably gets paid crap compared to her fellow doctors. She also has too much space left on her face above her mouth obviously from a massive nose job which is very distracting and almost looks like a transvestite. Maybe that's the crap she's hiding---she's really a guy and fools her husband who believes her since she's a doctor like Madame Butterfly did. That would be some deep crap!
SAM BENNETT: Two things-another gay guy I have to pretend is straight, and how is he old enough to be the dad here? That crappy hairpiece he wore in his flashback will be debuting soon as Fluffy the cat because of the crappy wardrobe budget. His brain seems to be really full of crap for a chief of police. Can't he just ask Miguel where lives? Can't he drive anywhere? Can't he have Miguel stopped to lead them to Charity's house? When he finally walked to Luis house to find Charity, he rushed back to the window and banged to get the attention of a motorcyclist instead of using the door which we later saw was three feet from the window. How can we swallow that crap? Who would bang on a window when a door was right there, and they could be in plain sight and hearing distance of the people they're chasing?
GRACE BENNETT: How can she and her twin wear the same earrings and makeup? Can't that crappy costume dept. come up with another wig or something. I was confused at first thinking she was schitzo, not twins. And why does she always hug herself , and can't she walk any faster. Good God, she's seen the town before; she doesn't have to smell every rose along the way. And what's this crap about never saying your first name...please!
FAITH STANDISH: Tweedledee and Tweedledumb-guess which one she is? That whining and wringing the hands crap has got to stop. She's probably the main reason people stop watching. My five year old actually chimed in today and said her lines for her and was exactly right. She keeps saying to me, "Hey, I've already seen this part!" And how much crap is she going to take from Tabitha before she remembers she how to just say no? They should let Tabitha kill her and let Tweedledumpling (nicknamed by my friend joannakathryn at NBC talkcity's snap discussion board) go live with Grace and share a room with Kaye and figure out their powers together until they can figure out a way to bring Faith back. Maybe Tabby could lock her in the basement.
CHARITY STANDISH: Wash that dirty, crappy hair, and it wouldn't be a bad scene to have Miguel help you. And that puppy love dialogue is beginning to turn to crap. Turn up the heat; this is called Passions!
KATE BENNETT: What a crappy friend and daughter, but probably one of the main people keeping the show on the air. But hide that crappy figure, girl, and what's with that crappy posture? You better put that blond wig and makeup back on along with the wonder bra or get a chest on the first hiatus--a happy meal now and then wouldn't hurt either!
JESSICA BENNETT: The only crap here is that they don't find more for her to do. She dishes out some pretty juicy crap!
HANK: The only one who gets different crap to say everyday so far. But how are we supposed to believe Sheridan would go out with that short loser? And what's with all this shirts off crap. Who will we have to see next, first Luis, then Miguel ,now Hank ,who next Timmy? We haven't seen his swim outfit yet!
BETH WALLACE: There's some underlying trailer trash crap about her looks. Maybe it's the crappy hair which she should cut and straighten. The skank clothes don't help either. Definitely needs a New York makeover, but I guess she's supposed to be a local.
GWEN HODGEKISS: She sure likes that bedroom crap-pretty slutty for a high fashion model. She has great presence and posture and does the best with what she has , but her part has been crap so far. I have written her a great part however, which you can read under plots, the Reese makeover.
REESE: How long are we supposed to believe this geeky nerd look when he is obviously great looking . He may not like women in real life, but it would be fun to see how great he looks anyway and get him out of that crappy disguise. Be sure to read my Reese makeover story!
FRANK LOMAX: Come on Frank, do all Hispanic chicks look the same to you or what? If Ethan put on a hat , glasses and a pair of sweats would you fail to recognize him? We're supposed to believe he's got a reputation for good work? I'd hate to hire a crappy detective if this is a good one. And let's hope they don't pull the same old he's gotta fall for a black chick only crap-get him with Gwen or Sheridan or Charity or somebody so we can see a little conflict here-some controversial passions!
