JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Ethan had never in his life felt so out of place! How in the world had he let himself get talked into appearing with Gwen on the Jerry Springer show of all places. The table before him was laid out with everything he imagined one would find in in the company of so many apparent misfits--cheap vodka, cheap beer, cheap whisky, cheap everything, most of which he'd never even seen before, but one taste was all it took to evaluate the cuisine. A large plastic bowl of corn chips and a mismatched container of hard candies along with some open bags of pretzels and pork skins completed the picture. He was beginning to feel ill. They called this the blue room, but it looked more like the zoo room to him. He hadn't seen this many drunks in one room since his law school days when he rescued one of Sheridan's x-fiancee's from the New York jail. He thought he had been sitting next to a large, very plain woman, but now he wasn't so sure. Teetering on his own emotional seesaw, she was the last thing on his mind, but he couldn't help redirecting his attention to her when someone asked her if she had any children, and she replied gruffly, "No, well none that I know of," He was so uncomfortable just sitting there, waiting, and he felt like he stuck out like a sore thumb to them too. He had been so determined to look good for Gwen and make this a night she would remember as something much more than the circus it was turning out to be.
What was keeping Theresa so long?. How long does it take to get a couple of signatures on record? He helped himself to another beer. The only time he could remember being this nervous was when he tried his first case alone. But this was so completely unreal and bizarre by comparison. He was beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol, when he looked up to see Theresa enter the room. "Thank God," he thought ."What took you so long, Gwen, I mean Theresa?", he stammered hoping she'd let that one slide by. He was starting to scare himself!
"I'm sorry Ethan", Theresa was a nervous wreck too. "They had to check the forms you notarized from my mother for me to be here." Her head was still spinning over that slip of the tongue, rationalizing and fantasizing about what it could really mean. "Maybe Ethan really does love me," she thought. She crowned it the lucky sign of the day since she was certainly ready to be everything Gwen had been to him. "I think they're ready for you Ethan," she said as they both looked up to see one of Jerry's assistants enter the room and look straight at the two of them.
He walked over and motioned to Ethan, towering over him "Mr. Crane , sir, this way please , we're ready for you on stage now."
Ethan shot a look of panic back at Theresa as he stood to leave. "I can't believe I'm doing this Theresa"
Theresa smiled and looked straight into Ethan's eyes . She wanted so badly for things to work out for her the way she had hoped for so long. "Don't be silly , Ethan, you're going to have a great time, I promise. "
"You've been my lucky charm so far Theresa, let's just hope I don't go out there and wind up looking like a fool." As he left the room, the open door ushered in the sounds of the live studio audience.
It didn't seem too wild out there Theresa thought. She checked her lipstick and tucked in the silky blouse she had worn hidden beneath her plain navy blue jacket. Her skirt was covering another skirt which was still quite tasteful but much shorter and a much better fit. When Ethan saw her for the very first time as the real Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald, she wanted to look like a princess. Soon this ridiculous masquerade would be a thing of the past, and she and Ethan could be the way she had always dreamed.
It seemed like only minutes when the door opened again. There, in her face, was the outstretched hand of the man who would lead her into her new life. "Theresa, you ready hon?" he asked politely, as he grabbed her hand tightly and they walked closely together for the short distance to the stage curtain. He seemed ready to push her, she thought, if she needed it.
From the side of the stage she could see and hear everything. Ethan was sitting facing the audience who were quite loud now. So many shouts and jeers...she couldn't make them all out, but the feel in the air was carnival electricity. She felt like a matador heading into the arena! Ethan was quietly answering Jerry's questions:
"So Ethan," Jerry smiled , any idea who this person, this ,uh, mystery admirer could be?"
"Yes, he paused, I'm pretty sure I do." Ethan spoke with some hesitation. The combination of the heat from the lights and the alcohol made him unbearably hot and restless. (As the camera closes in on Ethan, the perspiration is glowing on his face. He looks as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs!)
"And who might that be, do you think," Jerry continued. The audience was out of control as they flashed the name of the show on the monitors beneath the view of Ethan on stage: I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU, I JUST WANT YOU! He still seemed oblivious to what was about to happen.
"Actually," Ethan went on," My girlfriend has been pretty open to the idea of marriage lately after turning down my last proposal, and I believe this is going to be something along those lines." He didn't know whether he was supposed to just blurt out what he thought or let Gwen savor some element of surprise.
"How would you feel, if this surprise guest were someone other than your girlfriend," Jerry asked baiting Ethan for what he was about to hear. "Do you feel like you're ready to meet whomever it is back there, let's say if it should happen to be someone other than the girlfriend you expected, Ethan"
"I suppose so," Ethan kept a solemn, detached expression... empty head, stuffed shirt.
"Okay, well, so whadayasay, audience," Jerry paused laughing, "and Ethan, shall we bring out the, uh, mystery admirer? Ethan turned sideways in his chair, a single rose in one hand, and looked eagerly toward the curtain. "Heeeeerrr'ss Theresa!" Jerry gestured toward the curtain where Theresa stood fixed. Her stride was long and confident as she strolled toward Ethan smiling meekly and took her seat to his side while the crowd whistled and jeered....it seemed he still didn't have a clue! Ethan's face remained blank as he watched Jerry question Theresa.
Jerry spoke slowly and deliberately, 'So you are, uh, Theresa, am I right? And you and Ethan, here have been acquainted for some time now", he glanced down at his notes," You're the secretary for Ethan's mother, and your Mother also works for the Crane household...it says here for the last twenty years...that would be just about your entire life wouldn't it be, uh, Theresa?
"Yes Jerry," she seemed prepared, and looked into the audience with a half smile.
"And Ethan, you feel like you know Theresa here pretty well, do you?" Jerry went on She works in your home, she, uh, she's there pretty much all the day wouldn't you say, some of it while you're there I would imagine"
"Yes," Ethan looked straight at Jerry, "Not as well as I know her mother, but I 'm getting to know Theresa, and we're starting to spend more time here and there when she's at the house. I brought her here with me today, basically for good luck. There was a very bad string of events that seemed to end when she went to work for my Mother. So, yes, I'd say I know her but really just as my mother's secretary. She pretty much keeps to herself." Ethan lost his fix on Jerry when the mood of the audience spiked. He turned to her with a puzzled look, like he had some sort of brain damage, then back to Jerry.
"So if Theresa, here had a secret that concerned you or your family, say, you'd want to clear the air...you feel like she could let you in on it...that the two of you have a certain degree of trust thus far? Am I on track here, Ethan? Jerry asked looking half serious, half amused as he glanced around at the goading audience.
"Well, of course," Ethan seemed interested, "Theresa knows that she can come to me with whatever confidence she needs to share, and I would expect that from her if it involves me or the family"
"You'd be open to hearing whatever she has to tell you, you're saying?" Jerry was close to making his point.
"Well, why wouldn't I be, " Ethan seemed to be getting irritated. "What's the point here, Mr. Springer"
"Well,I think Theresa here can help us out on that ! So, okay then ,uh, tell us Theresa, are you ready to tell Ethan here, the big mystery we've all been waiting to hear?" Jerry smiled at the audience, then back at the stage.
She was gathering every ounce of courage she ever thought of having. She looked over to see Ethan looking like he had that recent head injury, and praying inwardly, "dear God, please let Ethan understand. I love him so much," she set her mind on auto pilot and just started talking. Looking straight into his eyes through the top of her dollar store glasses, the stream of dialogue was fast and furious. His twisted expression and guarded pose made her realize she had to get it out as much and as fast as possible. "I haven't been completely honest with you Ethan. There's something I have to tell you. It was me who brought you here today, not Gwen"
"You?" he sat frozen and cold, dumbfounded , like everything was going in one ear and out the other with nothing to block traffic. Gradually it seemed to dawn on him from the chatter in the audience, that something was not right, and his mood closed in tighter.
"Should I go on,' Theresa didn't want to lose her train of thought. She knew she had a this one chance to change her future, and she was way beyond the point of no return. "Breathe in, breathe out, " she told herself . Ethan was her passion for life, the fire burning deep inside of her. ( hee hee)
"Please do," Jerry answered, "I believe that's what we're here for." he looked like the cat that ate the canary and rolled his eyes at the audience.
"Well, it's just that I've had this huge crush on you my whole life, Ethan. Ever since I can remember, I always dreamed of meeting you and how we would have just all these things in common, you know like things we liked to do and just everything, you know. Seeing you and Gwen in all those magazines, I actually cut out every picture I could find and wallpapered my entire room with pictures of you. All this time I've worked for your Mother, I've been so happy. Just being in the same house with you has been like a dream come true for me. You are the most perfect man I have ever known, and the only thing I've ever cared about is to make you happy."
Ethan seemed to be softening. He was beginning to look a lot more sympathetic and attentive to her as she went on. "What I'm trying to say, Ethan, is that ever since I was a little girl I've dreamed of having a real relationship with you, and I always knew it would happen, and now it has. Finally, I feel like I'm part of our life."
Ethan touched the top of her hand, "Theresa, you didn't have to be afraid to tell me this. Is this why you brought me here? Are you telling me you arranged all this, and it has nothing to do with Gwen? I'm not that unapproachable Theresa. Your mother is like a member of our family, and you are too now. Just because I'm a Crane doesn't mean you can't talk to me!"
The audience was beginning to rumble again. "Go on Theresa, don't you have something else you want to tell Ethan here?' Jerry asked, looking around the room like he was following the path of a mad housefly.
"There's more that I need to tell you Ethan, and I just want you to please, if you mean what you say about letting me talk to you, please, just listen while I tell you, ok?"
He nodded and stared blindly, no idea of what was to come. (As I reminded everyone earlier, Ethan was not overly exposed to the Clark Kent method of disguise so undetectable in the 50's to an entire town in an alternate universe, but so obvious to us who watched and read the stories about the great master of disguise) If he'd said what he was thinking he'd still have been speechless, and anyway at this point he just wanted to hear her explanation.
"I know you believe I've been your good luck charm when you thought someone was stalking you and all, but Ethan, it was all just bad luck. You never had a stalker. The girl you thought was stalking you was really just nervous...nervous because she was in love with you Ethan, and just being around you made her quiver with fear...fear that you would think she was such a fool for ever falling in love with a beautiful stranger. All those times you thought she was dumping things on you on purpose, she was just all thumbs, nervous just at the sight of being around someone she thought was so wonderful. She never meant to hurt you, she loved you, Ethan. And She wants you to know she would never stalk you, but you never gave her the chance to explain. You never listened! She got tongue-tied every time she saw you, and she was afraid after all those accidents to tell you who she was, especially since she knew she was innocent and you were trying to have her arrested. She wanted to come to you so many times, Ethan, and tell you the truth, but she was afraid you would do the same thing you did before, that you wouldn't give her a chance to tell you the truth. It was a terrible nightmare for her, knowing that you thought she was stalking you when really she just wanted to meet you. She spent her whole life idolizing you, and then she blew it because she was such a klutz. Not a stalker, Ethan, just a klutz who finally met the man of her dreams. Now it's all turned into this nightmare, and I want to stop it, for both of you, Ethan." She stopped to catch her breathe and analyze her progress.
"So, you do know all about the stalker, Theresa?" Ethan seemed to be coming to his senses. His eyes widened, and he leaned forward," Who is she; where is she?
"She's right here Ethan," Theresa purred , and with that she stood up, removing her jacket, slipping out of the bulky skirt, leaning over forward and low to take off the wig and glasses. As she flung her beautiful long hair back up and swooped up to face him, her face and body transformed into every mans' dream girl. As Theresa faced her future, The audience exploded with screams and wolf whistles, chanting loudly ...Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
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YOU'RE INSANE, YOU'LL NEVER BE A CRANE!
THERESA'S DREAM LIVES, ETHAN FORGIVES!
SPECIAL ALTERNATE ENDINGS BY SIR TIMMYFAN